Hear me out… Until very recently I have been quite concerned with the youth culture in the United States. Let’s just say that if I have to bet on our skinny jean wearing androgynous little glee watching participation ribbon getters or a billion factory working little Chinese fuckers in Nikes they made themselves??? I will be placing a healthy wager on the yellow team. America’s Best Dance Crew, Twitter and Prius’s don’t win wars… Soldiers do… Back...
16 Jun
Leave it to Pepsi and their billion dollar advertising budget to come up with an awesome, but totally un original new ad campaign. During the NBA Finals on Thursday I saw an interesting new commercial that I originally thought was just Greg Oden playing a pickup game. Then after a few seconds, when the player didn’t suffer a season ending injury I realized it couldn’t be Oden. That...
16 Jun
Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum are in a new movie where they take their shirts off? No Shit?!? I am fairly certain Matt does not own a shirt and Channing can not spell shirt Just realized I could have named this entry No Shirt!?! and neither of them would be smart enough to figure it out. »View More
9 Jun
John Travolta accused of being gay? Are you telling me that the dude who starred in the 70′s equivalent of Glee The butch manly dressed man from Saturday Night Fever Who grew into the even more manly dressed totally not gay dude in Trolling for Guys Staying Alive Is GAY? No FUCKING SHIT!?! »View More
5 Jun
Floyd Mayweather is in jail? You mean to tell me the physical embodiment of all things wrong with African American culture committed a crime? No Shit!?! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to actually GO to jail when you are that famous and that rich? OJ killed TWO white people and didn’t go to jail for it. Michael Jackson had 8 year olds Moon Walk onto his dick and gave them wine while he Beat It. Time was, a guy with that much money didn’t have to...
5 Jun
Earlier today Arnold called me suggesting I share my thoughts on a more broad spectrum of sporting stories. I figured I would take his advice and start a little snippet I like to call the No Shit!?! Files Justin Blackmon gets Dewey’d after going twice the speed limit at three times the legal BAC. No shit!?! I was pretty sure that dude… who’s last name is kind of racist now that I type it was a pretty stand up dude. I mean, if you look him up on Google Images all the images pretty much look the same. Some...
5 Jun
If God doesn’t exist, then how do you explain this? »View More
1 Jun
I had another question for you too, but I’m shavin’ it for later. »View More
1 Jun
The Jortscenter crew can REALLY throw down Pizza Rolls. I wonder if they have access to an oven large enough to cook the amount we would require? »View More
31 May
Kids. Don’t EVER let anyone tell you that you cannot do something. If you put your mind to it, you can do anything and be anything you want to be. »View More
31 May
We also provide public services here at Jortscenter. You’re welcome, bros. »View More
27 May
We would like to find Alyssa. We have possible employment for her at Jortscenter. »View More
27 May
In a world where people actually knew we existed they might be asking. Where the F was Jortscenter for the past year anyways? Did those clowns switch to Dockers, start drinking white wine and listening to Radiohead? Did Michael Jortan decide to retire from the site even though he was just peaking so that he could focus on his music writing career? His Airness leaving the studio after a session with Jourtney Love Did Tito Jortiz really get arrested at the Gentlemen’s Club for wearing white Umbros with nothing underneath them and spilling a cup of water on himself… again? Is...
21 May
Jortscenter caught up with James Harden immediately after the infamous elbow incident. He said he’s be “aight”. We snapped this photo. “Aight” indeed. »View More
19 May
Here is an exchange (we’ll pretend) between Jortscenter’s receptionist, and Arnold Jortznegger in our IT department. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am To: Arnold Subject: Poster Hi I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon. This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on...
13 May
I was leaving work just now, and something BARELY caught my eye. The metal door leading out of my building had FUCKING BLOOD ON IT!!! I immediately tried to convince myself that it wasn’t that gross, wasn’t that big of a deal. But, you know me… My mind jumped to every conceivable scenario where blood would end up on a door handle. Some are awesome - Fist fight / chase scene where 2 equally skilled but separately motivated martial arts experts beat each other senseless until ultimately the better man wins. Blood lands on door as one man uses it to drag himself upward to continue...
30 Dec
ATTENTION EVERYONE… I AM MAKING A POST!!! Can someone with an old school boom box please cue up LL Cool J’s masterpiece “Don’t Call it a Comeback?” Today is Christmas Day. The day we celebrate our crippling and ever expanding consumer debt and convince ourselves that being generous is more important than retiring with dignity or paying the power bill. The day we pretend snow is cool and not visible proof that you live in a cold, miserable part of the country. The day some one, some where, decided we should honor that zombie carpenters birthday even though all historical...
25 Dec
I am having a bit of writers block, which in my world basically means I haven’t been out of my apartment enough lately to see something I hate. Therefore I figured no time like the present to start my religion. Some assholes think they will someday pen a novel, or climb Mount Rushmore. My goals are simple 1) Be arrested for inciting a riot 2) Bang Jessica Alba or Biel 3) Start the world’s largest organized religion YES PLEASE!!! For a long time I have been thinking about getting into the religion racket. The other night I drank a bunch of Bud Light Lime’s that some broad left...
11 Jul
Apparently this post didn’t please one of our Twitter followers. Jonah Hill posted this retort to us exposing Yankee fans for being the girls they are. Irritated with us, Jonah Hill unfollowed us, and that was that. In other news, other Twitter fans are offering to bear our illegitimate children. We’re down @sparklecakes, you should be aware, though, we don’t change Jiapers. »View More
7 Jul
Is Helen Keller Reverse Face-Palming Dwight Eisenhower? Today would have been the 130th birthday of Helen Keller. Those who know me in real life know 2 things about me. I love pizza I hate Helen Keller I like making fun of those different than me as much as the next guy, and ole’ H.K. was about as different as they come. In reality, I guess I don’t really hate HER so much as I hate all the self righteous douche piles that get offended when you make fun of her. I guess it just seems contradictory. Are we proud of the retard for saying wawaa? Or are we pretending to treat this failure...
27 Jun
So, last year I was invited to a Christmas Party at Michael Jortans house. It was about a 9 hour drive, but promised to be a fun time, and Michael Jortan lives in Las Vegas, so I made the trip. It was a classy dinner party. Dudes in shirts and ties, girls in cocktail dresses. Prime Rib, Red Wine, Homemade Dinner Rolls, that sort of thing. The point I’m making is no one at this event was wearing Jorts. The hosts of the party had decided to get all of their guests small presents. All the ladies opened their gifts first and they all recieved some of the new Starbucks Via instant coffee stuff...
19 May
Every Sunday I DVR and watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I don’t ever really give a shit about the story or the inspirational struggle the recipients of the home go through. They usually have some flipper baby kid or parent with some fucked up disease I’ve never heard of. I am sure they are great people, and I should probably try and be more like them… But I pretty much just watch to hear Ty yell GOOD MORNING JUAREZ FAMILY!!!! Into the megaphone, and to see a really cool house. This week, there was some dude with Lou Gherig disease and a crippled kid. He was a coach and blah...
16 May
