Hear me out… Until very recently I have been quite concerned with the youth culture in the United States. Let’s just say that if I have to bet on our skinny jean wearing androgynous little glee watching participation ribbon getters or a billion factory working little Chinese fuckers in Nikes they made themselves??? I will be placing a healthy wager on the yellow team. America’s Best Dance Crew, Twitter and Prius’s don’t win wars… Soldiers do… Back...
16 Jun
Leave it to Pepsi and their billion dollar advertising budget to come up with an awesome, but totally un original new ad campaign. During the NBA Finals on Thursday I saw an interesting new commercial that I originally thought was just Greg Oden playing a pickup game. Then after a few seconds, when the player didn’t suffer a season ending injury I realized it couldn’t be Oden. That...
16 Jun
Feeling kind of confident after my Thunder in 6 prediction came true as well as my James v. Durant forecast. Before picking the winner of this years NBA Finals, I wanted to be sure to explore WHY I believe it will unfold the way it does. In my estimation the NBA is completely rigged barring injury. There is a reason everyone thinks that the Pacquiao fight, the NBA Lottery and the WWE are fixed… They are. At some point you...
12 Jun
I know I am late to the party on this one… Flipping through the channels the other day I saw Kris Jenner finally dropped a BOMB SHELLLLL!!!! Khloe Kardashian has a different father than Kourtney and Kim? Do you mean to tell me that These 3 are not basically identical? (Khloe is the one in the middle if you can’t tell them apart) Do you honestly expect me to believe that just because one of them looks like the World’s Tallest Lady from the paperback Guinness Book I bought from my grade school book...
9 Jun
There is a movie called Prometheus coming out? I wonder what the official domestic light beer of newly discovered haunted planets is? Space explorers rock Silver Bullets? No Shit!?! »View More
6 Jun
Arnold keeps telling me to stay consistent with content and get at least an article a day. I managed to get substantially closer than I usually do on my #WCF G4 prediction so I figured I would press my luck and try it for the #ECF. Game 4 at the Garden, Boston fans are some of the most obnoxious in the league but I think they will be shut the hell up early in this one. Even with Bosh out again, the aging Celts seem over matched when DWade and LeBron decide to show up. Losing G3 is exactly the kind of nut tap it usually takes to remind #6...
3 Jun
My initial predictions in this series proved inaccurate as most of my official predictions are. My NBA Draft preview wasn’t even named accurately as it was actually an NBA Draft Lottery preview. It was more just me posting some pictures and saying what everyone already knew without discussing shit about the other 59 players that will be picked on a date I don’t even know. My Heat v. Celts preview probably would have been accurate as it is happening exactly as I expected so of course I didn’t even write it. All of that being said, I have now watched all of these games and have...
1 Jun
Been a rough week around the Jortan household. I am not even close on my Thunder v. Spurs preview and I didn’t even get around to writing my Heat v. Celts post which would have been accurate after 1. That being said… I will provide flawless NBA Draft coverage, and every statement will be factual and play out exactly as described when you see it later this evening. TNT or ESPN or whoever bought the rights will unveil some fancy new graphics and a bunch of fat old black dudes who used to be amazing...
30 May
As I begin this expert preview I have 15 minutes til tip off. I have seen part of 2 Thunder Playoff games, and I haven’t watched a Spurs game in probably 7 years. You hang up 1st, no YOU hang up 1st. Here are the facts as I see them 1) Greg Popovich puts a way less entertaining product out than his brother Maury. Also, it is usually the 3rd Quarter before I remember he isn’t the dark haired F’d up skin ugly white dude who ate that punch from Kermit Washington… He...
27 May
Today as I was walking to my car I began thinking about the death penalty (what, you don’t?). 10 years ago I bought a research paper on-line wrote a paper for a college course that discussed it’s effectiveness as a deterrent to crime sooooo I am basically an expert. As I recall, the over whelming statistics point to it being an entirely ineffective method of preventing almost all crime. My brilliant thought this morning is that the Death Penalty as we know it, suffers from one very inherent flaw. It lacks immediacy, it lacks shock value and it lacks teeth. I am proposing as the 1st...
25 May
In a world where people actually knew we existed they might be asking. Where the F was Jortscenter for the past year anyways? Did those clowns switch to Dockers, start drinking white wine and listening to Radiohead? Did Michael Jortan decide to retire from the site even though he was just peaking so that he could focus on his music writing career? His Airness leaving the studio after a session with Jourtney Love Did Tito Jortiz really get arrested at the Gentlemen’s Club for wearing white Umbros with nothing underneath them and spilling a cup of water on himself… again? Is...
21 May
If at 1st you don’t succeed… Kill yourself, naturally talented people are better for evolution. -Michael Jortan »View More
19 Jul
Continuing our dream to write slogans for famous brands, we submit our latest entry for your approval…. Columbia Sportswear. Because not all lesbians can afford North Face… »View More
19 Jul
Ok, look. These new iPhone commercials show sensitive guy being super sweet to his lady with the new video chat option. Something tells me reality involved a lot more begging. And dong. »View More
15 Jul
Hey JC Fans. Tito Jortiz here. So Michael Jortan decided to send me about 34,382 texts in the middle of the night, apparently while he was watching the ESPYs replay. I’m not sure if Bud Light lime was involved, but something went down as he was in rare form. Here is the highlights of the texts I received from him. Dude, you can’t even make fun of Shaun White. Black skinny jeans, a purple jacket? That hair? That face? Cher as a mother? Yikes! Chris Berman is a douche. Not nearly as imjortant, funny, or entertaining as he thinks he is. We should just create a list of people Michael...
15 Jul
Pandora Radio just played Creed on my Rage Against The Machine station. Needless to say I no longer use Pandora. In related news would anyone like to purchase a slightly used laptop with almost no vomit still on the keyboard? Also to any of my dude neighbors who may have heard Creed coming from my apartment, no I do not want to go on a date. »View More
12 Jul
This weeks candidates were strong. Ultimately there was only 1 choice. Dan Gilbert. It has been a ROUGH couple of months for Mr. Gilbert. Lost to the Celtics in the Playoffs. Shit canned the worst coach possibly in any professional sport. Reminded the guy who used to sell the least jerseys in NBA history before Rudy Gay to not let the door hit him where the good lord split him when he gave the axe to Dan Ferry. Continued to be from Detroit, and live in Michigan (yuck). Lost Shaq to Free Agency. Accidentally mentally pictured Lebron’s mom banging DeLonte. Lost Lebron James to the Heat...
8 Jul
Here is my thought of the day. The Coors Light Train. Deadliest Advertising campaign ever? Can you imagine if that shit was real? Other tragic news, thousands are dead after a high speed silver train apparently derailed and ran wild thru the city. Witnesses describe a feeling of intense cold followed by a 70′s disco song, then carnage… One of the deadliest days in American history, and no one knows why. »View More
6 Jul
Why is it that food courts seem to fail so miserably so often? There is always a generalized low quality version of each food style. NEVER any good. Rarely you will see a McDonald’s in the mix. The line is out the door. Otherwise it’s awful giant slices of flavorless pizza, a Chinese place serving cat in sweet soy, or a sandwich place with dry ass bread and tough roast beef. The idea is that everyone can get something they want. The reality is that is only true if you WANT a stomach ache. »View More
5 Jul
I’m currently at McDonalds, going to grab some food. (Currently thinking about a Jorter Pounder). Can someone explain to me How people are still walking into McDonald’s and looking at the menu? Ordering Pepsi? Asking if they have ice cream? »View More
1 Jul
Out of all the sports, I’d least like to be famous tennis player. You would ruin so many Sharpies signing tennis balls. Also, tennis is gay. »View More
1 Jul
We are happy to let everyone know we have our first JortsCenter hate mail! The angry woman was not thrilled about her GIANT mom jorts showing up on JortsCenter. Apparently she thinks we need permission when linking to photos that are found on the internet in public domain. We posted the photo you see above, and got this response back. @MomJorts Yo, don’t mind you used my pic bc you can’t see my face & I have a sense of humor, but you should really ask for permission in the future. Michael Jortan then replied back to her, via Twitter… @jortscenter How many stones had to...
30 Jun
