Been a rough week around the Jortan household. I am not even close on my Thunder v. Spurs preview and I didn’t even get around to writing my Heat v. Celts post which would have been accurate after 1.
That being said… I will provide flawless NBA Draft coverage, and every statement will be factual and play out exactly as described when you see it later this evening.
TNT or ESPN or whoever bought the rights will unveil some fancy new graphics and a bunch of fat old black dudes who used to be amazing NBA players but now all have failed investments and recording studios will wave and smile like they aren’t bankrupt and wearing a $200 suit they got at that one store in the mall.
EJ and Fratello or Kerr or Jon Barry or whichever interchangeable talking heads showed up in a suit today will pretend as if this is a huge night for the future of these 12 terrible franchises. Charles will explain something that a drunk 10 year old could have told you and Shaq will be hilariously goofy and gigantic.
Then the mathematical principles of probability will be discussed by dudes we all know can’t read which will make everyone watching at home just a little bit dumber. An old video of Patrick Ewing before he was Patrick Chewing will fade into Shaq, LeBron, Rose and maybe even Kyrie Irving and then we’ll return to the present with those same big toothed smiles attempting to hide the painof bad knees, broken marriages and the bottomless despair that comes with being the best player in Bobcat history (is Okafor still in the Association?)
Then the ping pong balls will start popping like popcorn and the room will become silent.
Tonight, in that room… Only one thing matters… Who wins the Unibrow jackpot? Who lucks into the right to select Sam the Eagle from The Muppets?
When the balls stop, one team will have their pick decided and everyone else will simultaneously say “fuck” under their breath.
I am sure Michael Kidd-Gilchrist and whoever else will be fine and possibly even better, but tonight is about one thing… The Brow is now as infamous as Jordans tongue, or Mutombo’s finger… Who knows, maybe it will even become more legendary than
Magic’s Aids Rodman’s Hair?
My GUESS (this is where the facts end) is that Joe Camel and the Brooklyn Nets somehow end up with young Anthony Davis, and everyone who thinks the NBA is fixed will continue to be correct.