The Jortscenter crew can REALLY throw down Pizza Rolls. I wonder if they have access to an oven large enough to cook the amount we would require? »View More
Kids. Don’t EVER let anyone tell you that you cannot do something. If you put your mind to it, you can do anything and be anything you want to be. »View More
31 May
Been a rough week around the Jortan household. I am not even close on my Thunder v. Spurs preview and I didn’t even get around to writing my Heat v. Celts post which would have been accurate after 1. That being said… I will provide flawless NBA Draft coverage, and every statement will be factual and play out exactly as described when you see it later this evening. TNT or ESPN or whoever bought the rights will unveil some fancy new graphics and a bunch of fat old black dudes who used to be amazing...
30 May
As I begin this expert preview I have 15 minutes til tip off. I have seen part of 2 Thunder Playoff games, and I haven’t watched a Spurs game in probably 7 years. You hang up 1st, no YOU hang up 1st. Here are the facts as I see them 1) Greg Popovich puts a way less entertaining product out than his brother Maury. Also, it is usually the 3rd Quarter before I remember he isn’t the dark haired F’d up skin ugly white dude who ate that punch from Kermit Washington… He...
27 May
We also provide public services here at Jortscenter. You’re welcome, bros. »View More
27 May
Remember T-Boz from TLC? Michael Jortan says she’s about as reliable as making a car payment in 2012 as Left Eye. She always said she wasn’t too proud to beg. Probably time to explore that option. http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/celebrity-cars/tbozs-car/ »View More
27 May
We would like to find Alyssa. We have possible employment for her at Jortscenter. »View More
27 May
Today as I was walking to my car I began thinking about the death penalty (what, you don’t?). 10 years ago I bought a research paper on-line wrote a paper for a college course that discussed it’s effectiveness as a deterrent to crime sooooo I am basically an expert. As I recall, the over whelming statistics point to it being an entirely ineffective method of preventing almost all crime. My brilliant thought this morning is that the Death Penalty as we know it, suffers from one very inherent flaw. It lacks immediacy, it lacks shock value and it lacks teeth. I am proposing as the 1st...
25 May
A lot has happened in the world of sports since we left you. From Sandusky killing Joe Pa Once we high five this will be a Nittany Lion London Bridge to Junior Seau learning he was not bulletproof. Believe me when I say that I plan to fully explore many of these topics in spite of their no longer being relevant.We will come back to this one I am sure But one irrelevant sports story in particular really made me realize how much I miss having a site no one ever visits to indulge my rants about insignificant topics. The untimely passing of 59 year old icon Randy Mario Poffo. Never has one human being...
22 May
In a world where people actually knew we existed they might be asking. Where the F was Jortscenter for the past year anyways? Did those clowns switch to Dockers, start drinking white wine and listening to Radiohead? Did Michael Jortan decide to retire from the site even though he was just peaking so that he could focus on his music writing career? His Airness leaving the studio after a session with Jourtney Love Did Tito Jortiz really get arrested at the Gentlemen’s Club for wearing white Umbros with nothing underneath them and spilling a cup of water on himself… again? Is...
21 May
Gotta admit. An adolescent Arnold Jortzenegger did not not hate brown sugar. In fact, Lisa Turtle was his jam. Looks like Lisa Turtle has been on the Sammy Sosa program. This killed a little part of Arnold, seeing this today. »View More
19 May
Jortscenter caught up with James Harden immediately after the infamous elbow incident. He said he’s be “aight”. We snapped this photo. “Aight” indeed. »View More
19 May
According to TMZ, former WWE superstar Chyna collapsed in front of the main stage at a XXX convention in Miami moments ago. Sources at the scene tell us … Chyna was hanging out at the 2012 Exxxotica Expo when she suddenly dropped to floor. Jortscenter insiders trying to get confirmation as to the number of dicks on said floor prior to Chyna’s collapse. We’re told several people rushed over to help … and carried Chyna out of the expo and into a nearby hotel where she’s now resting. Jortscenter is speculating that she passed out from a sudden drop in blood pressure...
18 May
What a douche nozzle. This guy in the passenger side must have been stoked he got this on tape. »View More
15 May
Yes. They actually hit Rock Bottom two weeks ago. The only problem was then someone then handed them a jackhammer and shovels. Who would have thought Pujols would be the worst in the league in Batting Average, On Base Percentage, and Slugging. Keep it classy St. Louis. Here are some fun facts regarding Pujols’ slide to the shit stained sewers of 2012 baseball statistics: Albert Pujols is about 8.3% of the Angels Payroll for 2012. Albert Pujols produces -8% of their offensive statistics. Josh Reddick of the A’s is 0.9% of the A’s payroll and is currently responsibile for...
15 May
Here is an exchange (we’ll pretend) between Jortscenter’s receptionist, and Arnold Jortznegger in our IT department. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am To: Arnold Subject: Poster Hi I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon. This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on...
13 May
