ATTENTION EVERYONE… I AM MAKING A POST!!!
Can someone with an old school boom box please cue up LL Cool J’s masterpiece “Don’t Call it a Comeback?”
Today is Christmas Day.
The day we celebrate our crippling and ever expanding consumer debt and convince ourselves that being generous is more important than retiring with dignity or paying the power bill.
The day we pretend snow is cool and not visible proof that you live in a cold, miserable part of the country.
The day some one, some where, decided we should honor that zombie carpenters birthday even though all historical data points toward him being born in April.
The day AFTER the final day of 2010 when it is acceptable for small children to sit on an old man’s lap and request material goods in exchange for their behavior.
Christmas is, the only holiday I truly love.
That being said. In honor of Festivus, I will be airing my grievances.
These are some of the issues I have with Christmas.
As usual, Christmas itself is not to blame for these. Rather, like most of the world’s problems greedy or self centered ass holes can claim responsibility for almost everything on my list.
1) The music.
Mariah Carey is the worst, but The Chipmunks, the dogs barking Jingle Bells and that white trash piece of crap song about that lady who is violently trampled do death by a reindeer all deserve a place in the overplayed Hall of Fame.
The one song that could be awesome, but is usually used improperly is that “So This is Christmas” song by John Lennon.
No one wants to see that shit!!!
Instead, I wish they would show a montage instead of the CEO of Toys R Us doing coke off a strippers ass while throwing piles of hundred dollar bills in the air. Or a fat, drunken Santa with his big red pants around his ankles bending Jesus over a church pew and putting in work.
Why they gotta be so negative?
2) The ugly sweater party.
This WAS a hilarious and unique idea. It is not anymore, it needs to stop. The Ugly Sweater Party in 2010 is the equivalent of a television blooper show where the clips are sent in by viewers just like you. Even Joey Gladstone knows the Sweater Party is dead, and would like you to “Cut It Out.”
3) Indian people.
What’s their fucking problem? We know you don’t celebrate it, just shut up and feel ashamed and jealous like the Jews!!! Everyone at the Olive Garden resents and despises you for making them wait on you instead of being at home and drinking terrible wine with their cousins.
4) Stores being closed.
Hey assholes, I need some stuff. Yes, I am aware that this statement shows an amazing lack of perspective based on my previous Olive Garden statements about Dot Heads, but if you are here for perspective and consistency… You have much larger problems.
5) Everyone, every show, every ass hole every where pretending to be all Merry and charitable.
This post is getting to be too long. I was going to do a top 10, or add some stuff I like about Christmas, but remembered that everyone else is already doing that today. People choose Jortscenter because we deliver the negativity so many secretly long for this time of year. Also, I have a party to attend soon that promises to have enough wine at it to get an entire tribe of Indians (feathers) drunk!!!
In closing, please remember.
If you are all sad and depressed because you are spending Christmas alone…
It is probably YOUR fault, and unlikely to improve.
You most likely are to blame for your wife leaving, the kids choosing her over you, your boss firing you, your parents kicking you out of the basement, Chris Hanson showing up in that kitchen (total misunderstanding we know)
So my vote is that you stop resisting the urge and pull the trigger!!! Do the world a favor, who will notice?
Merry Capitalistmas Everyone