If at 1st you don’t succeed… Kill yourself, naturally talented people are better for evolution. -Michael Jortan »View More
Continuing our dream to write slogans for famous brands, we submit our latest entry for your approval…. Columbia Sportswear. Because not all lesbians can afford North Face… »View More
19 Jul
Ok, look. These new iPhone commercials show sensitive guy being super sweet to his lady with the new video chat option. Something tells me reality involved a lot more begging. And dong. »View More
15 Jul
Hey JC Fans. Tito Jortiz here. So Michael Jortan decided to send me about 34,382 texts in the middle of the night, apparently while he was watching the ESPYs replay. I’m not sure if Bud Light lime was involved, but something went down as he was in rare form. Here is the highlights of the texts I received from him. Dude, you can’t even make fun of Shaun White. Black skinny jeans, a purple jacket? That hair? That face? Cher as a mother? Yikes! Chris Berman is a douche. Not nearly as imjortant, funny, or entertaining as he thinks he is. We should just create a list of people Michael...
15 Jul
Pandora Radio just played Creed on my Rage Against The Machine station. Needless to say I no longer use Pandora. In related news would anyone like to purchase a slightly used laptop with almost no vomit still on the keyboard? Also to any of my dude neighbors who may have heard Creed coming from my apartment, no I do not want to go on a date. »View More
12 Jul
I am having a bit of writers block, which in my world basically means I haven’t been out of my apartment enough lately to see something I hate. Therefore I figured no time like the present to start my religion. Some assholes think they will someday pen a novel, or climb Mount Rushmore. My goals are simple 1) Be arrested for inciting a riot 2) Bang Jessica Alba or Biel 3) Start the world’s largest organized religion YES PLEASE!!! For a long time I have been thinking about getting into the religion racket. The other night I drank a bunch of Bud Light Lime’s that some broad left...
11 Jul
This weeks candidates were strong. Ultimately there was only 1 choice. Dan Gilbert. It has been a ROUGH couple of months for Mr. Gilbert. Lost to the Celtics in the Playoffs. Shit canned the worst coach possibly in any professional sport. Reminded the guy who used to sell the least jerseys in NBA history before Rudy Gay to not let the door hit him where the good lord split him when he gave the axe to Dan Ferry. Continued to be from Detroit, and live in Michigan (yuck). Lost Shaq to Free Agency. Accidentally mentally pictured Lebron’s mom banging DeLonte. Lost Lebron James to the Heat...
8 Jul
Apparently this post didn’t please one of our Twitter followers. Jonah Hill posted this retort to us exposing Yankee fans for being the girls they are. Irritated with us, Jonah Hill unfollowed us, and that was that. In other news, other Twitter fans are offering to bear our illegitimate children. We’re down @sparklecakes, you should be aware, though, we don’t change Jiapers. »View More
7 Jul
Here is my thought of the day. The Coors Light Train. Deadliest Advertising campaign ever? Can you imagine if that shit was real? Other tragic news, thousands are dead after a high speed silver train apparently derailed and ran wild thru the city. Witnesses describe a feeling of intense cold followed by a 70′s disco song, then carnage… One of the deadliest days in American history, and no one knows why. »View More
6 Jul
Why is it that food courts seem to fail so miserably so often? There is always a generalized low quality version of each food style. NEVER any good. Rarely you will see a McDonald’s in the mix. The line is out the door. Otherwise it’s awful giant slices of flavorless pizza, a Chinese place serving cat in sweet soy, or a sandwich place with dry ass bread and tough roast beef. The idea is that everyone can get something they want. The reality is that is only true if you WANT a stomach ache. »View More
5 Jul
I’m currently at McDonalds, going to grab some food. (Currently thinking about a Jorter Pounder). Can someone explain to me How people are still walking into McDonald’s and looking at the menu? Ordering Pepsi? Asking if they have ice cream? »View More
1 Jul
Out of all the sports, I’d least like to be famous tennis player. You would ruin so many Sharpies signing tennis balls. Also, tennis is gay. »View More
1 Jul
