I know our journey here at Jortscenter has only just begun, but I feel like we know each other well enough already that I can reveal a secret.
I am a Royals fan… In fact, I am a HUGE Royals fan.
I don’t mean I have a license plate holder, and check for their highlights every night on Sportscenter.
I mean I have a neon Royals light on my bookshelf and I call out of work the 1 time a year they are on ESPN.
I get Twitter and Google alerts about how they are doing, and I once knocked over a USA Today newspaper vending thingy when their bullpen blew yet another save (I may have been drinking).
I spend a minimum of $500 a year on useless Royals stuff on eBay, and anyone who has ever looked at eBay knows that is nearly impossible. My Kevin Seitzer Starting Line Up mint in package was worth every penny though.
Essentially, my happiness in life balances almost entirely on the results the Royals are able to achieve.
Unfortunately, they have not been very good in the past….
Well, they have not been good since I was like 6. So for every question I get about why I am so angry all the time, the answer is simple.
Because the Royals tongue bathe the balls of every other team in Major League baseball, and have since I was a small boy.
Like any victim, I feel the need to identify the person responsible for my negative attitude and overall shit outlook on life.
I know many baseball fans blame the Royals struggles on the economics of the game or the small market of Kansas City. Others blame the ballpark being well outside of the downtown or heavily populated areas of KC. Some blame good old fashioned bad luck.
I do not like where any of those fingers are pointed even if they are rational, well thought out and / or true.
I prefer to create a super villain, and fight their evil ways. I prefer to blame the Joker for Gothams misfortunes instead of their failed school system, dying industries and the predatory lending practices of Wayne National Bank.
My super villain in the comic book story of the Royals is Scott Boras. The baseball super agent who is known for getting his clients almost double what top dollar seems to be. The guy who got A-Rod whatever dumb ass amount he got A-Rod, the guy who makes teams avoid drafting his players because they don’t want to pay their bonus.
I was going to say that I hate Scott Boras and leave it at that, but that is not enough.
I wish Scott Boras was a woman’s Lacrosse player at UVA who dated then broke up with George Huguely
I wish Scott Boras had Michael Jackson’s doctors
I wish Scott Boras drove a Toyota and really needed to use his brakes
I wish Scott Boras would ride Supermans horse
I wish Scott Boras was an Assistant coach on the Raiders
I wish Scott Boras would go on a date with O.J.’s ex-wife
I wish Scott Boras would catch penis tip cancer
I wish Scott Boras would piss off the smoke monster on Lost
I wish Scott Boras had called SHOTGUN with Earnhardt Sr.
I wish Scott Boras was dating Kendra and had to deal with the locker room comments
Sure, former Royals GM Alard Baird was an accomplice, but really he was just being held hostage by Scott Boras.
Did I mention I wish Scott Boras would be prison cell roomates with Shaq?
Ok sorry, the back story as promised.
Scott Boras and Alard Baird collectively ruined my life. My starting outfield in 1999 when I had Royals season tickets was Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran. We also had a young, healthy and productive Mike Sweeney plus Joe Randa playing 3rd base.
Then Scott Boras who is if I have not been clear, an asshole started discussing contracts.
The result was Baird (who in the interest of fairness I should mention IS what professional doctors refer to as “a fucking stupid retard” in medical books and such) decided he had to trade his stars and get some value in return instead of letting them leave in Free Agency and getting first round picks as compensation.
Johnny Damon and second baseman Mark Ellis to the A’s for shortstop Angel Berroa, catcher A.J. Hinch and reliever Roberto Hernandez in a three-team trade also involving the Devil Rays.
Jermaine Dye to the A’s, via the Rockies, for shortstop Neifi Perez in a three-team trade.
Carlos Beltran to the Astros for third baseman Mark Teahen, catcher John Buck and righthander Mike Wood in a three-team trade also involving the A’s.
The result? My Yals went from a legitimate up and coming team, to just another small market piece of shit while Damon and Dye won rings and Beltran single handedly carried that ghey Astros team on his back.
So fuck you Scott Boras, I hate you way more than I hate Stephen Hawking or Jeremy Schaap. Although I guess in some small way, Scott Boras helped invent Jortscenter.com. That piece of shit better not come asking for royalties though because I will stab him in the neck with a rusty fork.
Sorry, I’m bitter. The next post will be relevant I swear. COMING SOON: What the fuck is with Kobe anyway?
P.S. – I wish Scott Boras did Coke with Len Bias and got a heart transplant from Hank Gathers.