By socially aware I don’t mean that we give a shit about the homeless, blood diamonds, pubic lice or whatever humanitarian cause Bono and Sean Penn are carpooling to in their Prius to improve their image (didn’t they ride on separate Gulf stream airplanes to get to Haiti?).
By socially aware I mean that we for the most part “get it”.
Many people have been wearing Jorts for impure reasons lately.
Irony is cool to hipsters, and wearing jorts as a goof has become ironical.
Unfortunately you skinny jean, striped sweater Cure listening to, Tom Cruise in Risky Business sun glass wearing homo’s aren’t being ironic. You are actually being less cool, original and unique than people who suffer from Jortzheimers (the condition of being fully unaware that Jorts are unacceptable adult fashion).
That is why when we here at the JC meet a real life Original Jortster, we like to take the time to get to know them better.
What led them to this unfortunate condition?
Does their mother work at Kohl’s or just have a large credit limit there?
(note: large credit limit at Kohl’s is $250)
How do they store their Jorts? Would love to get a pic of a closet where someone hangs them like dress pants.
Anyways, the following is our first installment of
Our first interviewee was actually visiting the Epic Fail photo gallery of our site and recognized herself. Instead of hiding her face in shame or killing her self like most sane people would… She made it her Facebook status and contacted us.
If there is one thing we appreciate it is full blown crazy, so we decided to honor her with a feature.
The following is the transcript of Michael Jortan interviewing dedicated Jortscenter visitor “TwiMom”. Watch out Anderson Cooper, Michael Jortan is branching out into investigative rejorting.
MJ: Thanks for taking the time to do this TwiMom. We know how busy your schedule is with scrap booking and watching Lifetime. If you wouldn’t mind, please tell our readers a little bit about yourself.
TM: I’m a thirty year old married stay-at-home mother of four—Jaden (8), Jackson (6), Jenna (4), and Jacob (3). I named the last one before I read “Twilight” and now I have to change his name because obviously I’m Team Edward. For the time being we just call him “Dog”. My husband is no Edward, but he keeps me in Prozac and casual wear, so I roll over and close my eyes and let him give it to me from behind every Thursday night.
MJ: Wow, every single Thursday huh? What a lucky man he is. BTW, thanks for the visual I almost forgot what it tasted like to puke in my mouth.
Ok, keep it together… By now everyone has probably seen the picture, but I’m curious what was more embarrassing. Wearing jorts and a fanny pack, or being a fan of Twilight and being older than 14?
TM: I don’t think either of those things are embarrassing! Tim Tebow wears jorts after all, and he’s the coolest guy in the US of A. I bet he loves Twilight’s abstinence message as well. If it’s good enough for Tim Tebow, it’s good enough for me.
MJ: Yes Tebow is dreamy. Are you currently on any other websites wearing jorts, or are you a Jortscenter exclusive model?
TM: I’ve been contacted by http://www.spankmyjorts.com, but I think it might be one of those naked sites.
MJ: It’s not, I checked. Facebook has some gay ass rule about posting hardcore pornography in a public forum where innocent… nevermind that. Are you currently on any other websites NOT wearing jorts, or would you like to be?
TM: There is a photo of me in a biketard making the rounds. Other than that, I just have my profile at http://www.BDSM.com, but you can’t tell it’s me in the picture because of the ball gag.
MJ: Bike tard? The way you used that in a sentence leads me to believe it’s not some Corky on a Huffy with training wheels but some kind of spandex non denim clothing? We here at Jortscenter do not like to discuss other forms of clothing so I am going to go back to picturing a guy with no legs arm peddling one of those stupid bikes they seem to favor.
Next question, what kind of mini-van do you drive?
TM: A 2001 Ford Windstar with a bumper sticker that says “Twilight Mom”. Thank God my husband pays no attention to me whatsoever or he’d probably make me change my MRS CULN license plate.
MJ: What the fuck does MRS CULN stand for? Nevermind that, who the fuck is Edward? Follow up, is there ANY chance Robert Pattinson is straight?
TM: Wow, how do I describe Edward? He’s the main vampire from the “Twilight” books and he’s just beautiful. And he wants to kill Bella, which I’m all in favor of because she’s an annoying twat. Edward is the perfect man because he watches every move you make and makes fun of how weak you are and refuses to have sex with you. Also he is forever seventeen and always hard. Mmm. Did you know that the real reason vampires can’t go out into the sun is because they sparkle? Those wannabe vampire shows like “True Blood” try to make it like vampires catch fire in the sunlight or whatever, but in reality vampires just sparkle like diamonds. All over, if you know what I mean.
Robert Pattinson has to be straight. If he’s not, how is he going to pick me out of the crowd at the “Eclipse” movie premiere and marry me and make me famous and rescue me from my boring life of thankless servitude to my husband and kids?
MJ: I literally was not able to comprehend anything you just said. Vampires are bedazzled and Edward is gay but would convert for you? I am tired of vampires, they suck (see what I did there BLAOW) Who do the jorts in the photo belong to legally?
TW: Those particular jorts—also known as my “dress jorts”—were passed down to me by my mother when she was on her deathbed. Her last words to me were, “Treasure the jorts.”
MJ: What a shame that she couldn’t be buried in such a work of art. Are plural singular items like Jorts a work of art, or works of art? I’ll Google that later, were they elastic waist?
TW: Unfortunately, no. That’s why I had to wear the belt. I do have a pair of elastic waist jeggings, but that’s probably for another site.
MJ: Ok, final tween question. I’ve been using Twitter to try and get the word about Jortscenter.com out, and I have been amazed at how gay teenagers of both sex are. But most of all, I can’t believe how gay tweenage girls have become. Yikes. So the question that has been intriguing me is – If Justin Bieber was the Jonas Bros vampirey cousin would all tweenage girls heads immediately explode?
TM: Oh, I don’t know. Those tweens act ridiculous. I took Jaden to a Jonas Brothers concert once and those little bitches were going crazy. On a related note, did you know that if you palm a Jonas Brother’s junk while he’s on stage they’ll kick you out of the arena? I mean, why did I pay $500 a seat for front row if I couldn’t cop a feel? Stupid people and their sex offender laws and political correctness.
I do like the name Justin, though. Maybe that’s what we’ll rename Dog.
MJ: How many Diet Cokes do you drink a day?
TM: That’s kind of a hard question to answer. I fill up my 64 oz Big Gulp mug in the morning before I take the two older kids down to the bus stop, then fill it up again when I get back. But I add rum the second time, so it’s not all Diet Coke. I have another mug with lunch, then during nap time with more rum, then another one when I go pick up the kids from the bus stop in the afternoon. Once all four kids are awake and at home I switch to straight rum. Then things get a little hazy. So, what, five mugs at least? 320 ounces, minus some rum, so we’ll just estimate that I drink the equivalent of a 24 pack of Diet Cokes every day.
MJ: Did you ever get a handprint on the boob area of your Hypercolor t-shirt?
TM: I wasn’t allowed to have one when I was younger because my dad the pastor said that Hypercolor was the Devil’s textile.
MJ: Sounds like an Ivy League man. Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
TM: I think I’ve covered everything. Thanks for wanting to get to know more about me, Mr. Jortan. No one ever does.
Keep up the good work spreading the jorts message over at JortsCenter. I think 2010 is going to be the Year of the Jort!
(*Editors note – 2010 will not be the year of the Jort. 2010 will be the year of Kid N Plays comeback, 2011 year of Jort…)
To visit Twi-Mom please add her here.