Stick to Snickers ads Dr. Zaius

Woke up to a text message from Clinton Jortis about my not writing anymore. Here is the deal Jortscenter faithful. I am on a pretty sweet poker heater, my boss has been prepping me to hopefully take on a promotion at work, some Asian girls were naked during a ping pong playing cookout I attended yesterday and I also need to do laundry. So we are clear, all of these things trump writing for my unpaid website. That being said, there have been a number of topics that have come up lately that I probably should be writing about. I will attempt to get a few of them on wax today or tomorrow, and go... 

date24 May
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Jort Stories 1 – TwiMom Speaks

We here at Jortscenter consider ourselves to be pretty socially aware. By socially aware I don’t mean that we give a shit about the homeless, blood diamonds, pubic lice or whatever humanitarian cause Bono and Sean Penn are carpooling to in their Prius to improve their image (didn’t they ride on separate Gulf stream airplanes to get to Haiti?). By socially aware I mean that we for the most part “get it”. Many people have been wearing Jorts for impure reasons lately. Irony is cool to hipsters, and wearing jorts as a goof has become ironical. Unfortunately you skinny jean,... 

date20 May
comments6 Replies
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An Awkward Christmas Party

So, last year I was invited to a Christmas Party at Michael Jortans house. It was about a 9 hour drive, but promised to be a fun time, and Michael Jortan lives in Las Vegas, so I made the trip. It was a classy dinner party. Dudes in shirts and ties, girls in cocktail dresses. Prime Rib, Red Wine, Homemade Dinner Rolls, that sort of thing. The point I’m making is no one at this event was wearing Jorts. The hosts of the party had decided to get all of their guests small presents. All the ladies opened their gifts first and they all recieved some of the new Starbucks Via instant coffee stuff... 

date19 May
comments3 Replies
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Extreme Makeover HF ………………..(Home Fuck-up-ing)

Every Sunday I DVR and watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I don’t ever really give a shit about the story or the inspirational struggle the recipients of the home go through. They usually have some flipper baby kid or parent with some fucked up disease I’ve never heard of. I am sure they are great people, and I should probably try and be more like them… But I pretty much just watch to hear Ty yell GOOD MORNING JUAREZ FAMILY!!!! Into the megaphone, and to see a really cool house. This week, there was some dude with Lou Gherig disease and a crippled kid. He was a coach and blah... 

date16 May
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Special Delivery – Cavs mail it in

Wow, remember a really long time ago when I bemoaned my bad luck in being a huge Royals fan? That article was written before I watched the Cleveland Cavaliers mail it in this evening. That article was written before I realized maybe Kansas City doesn’t have it that bad. The Royals won a ring in 1985. Cleveland hasn’t won shit since 1964. Cleveland is on a really depressing run. The Browns were bad ass in the 80′s and couldn’t get it done? Then the Indians had all the talent in the world and crapped the bed. Now, they have an absolute freak of nature who should be completely... 

date13 May
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Scott Boras Ruined My Life

I know our journey here at Jortscenter has only just begun, but I feel like we know each other well enough already that I can reveal a secret. I am a Royals fan… In fact, I am a HUGE Royals fan. I don’t mean I have a license plate holder, and check for their highlights every night on Sportscenter. I mean I have a neon Royals light on my bookshelf and I call out of work the 1 time a year they are on ESPN. I get Twitter and Google alerts about how they are doing, and I once knocked over a USA Today newspaper vending thingy when their bullpen blew yet another save (I may have been... 

date11 May
comments2 Replies
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Kendra is my religion

Holy Pope fingers in a choir boys butt hole!!! How did someone not interrupt me at my meaningless job today to inform me of perhaps the greatest thing to happen since the shake weight commercial. Kendra Motherfucking Wilkinson MIGHT have a sex tape. Here is the dealio, Kendra Motherfucking Wilkinson DOES have a sex tape, of that I am quite sure… WEEEEE MIGHT GET TO SEE IT!!!! I’m going to go ahead and let everyone on Earth know right here and right now 3 simple facts. 1) I will not be at work the day that hits the net 2) Do NOT shake hands with me for a month after. Either hand, I... 

date5 May
comments2 Replies
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Topic 1 – Oil Spill

It’s Cinco De Mayo and I am drinking Pacifico but don’t feel like driving to Taco Bell or going out in public and dealing with a gang of Gringos in sombreros. Figured I would just sit here and drink too much and look at the Google Trends and make fun of some shit. 1) Oil Spill Gulf of Mexico – This continues to be headline news and I continue to not really care.  Jimmy Fallon beat me to the Snooki at the beach punchline which was all this story was ever really good for. Seems like only yesterday Exxon Valdez had a spill, and then some boat had a spill a few years ago… ... 

date5 May
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See what had happened was

I was off work today, and used my free time to follow a couple (909) people on Twitter. The idea being that perhaps they would see the name and swing by the site. Apparently the creeps at Twitter consider that Aggressive Following and suspended us hopefully temporarily. When we return, please follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, Digg us or whatever that other icon up there is and mail us gifts. Let’s start to get some feedback – what does everyone want to read about?  »View More

date3 May
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JC Sports Update 5/3/2010

LeBron James named NBA MVP. I feel like this is kind of obvious.  The Cleveland Cavaliers were completely unremarkable during my entire lifetime.  Other than Mark Price making a lot of free throws, and Craig Ehlo doing the stop, drop and roll drill as Michael Jordan jumps up after that shot, their entire existence barely if ever registered.  Now, they are in the Finals they have Shaq, their arena has a nickname…  They are an actual viable entertaining NBA product, I would say the fact that one 23 year old person is responsible for making an entire city relevant definitely makes him the... 

date3 May
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I hate Stephen Hawking

As I was eating dinner tonight, I looked up and saw Stephen Hawking discussing aliens. Rather, I saw Stephen Hawking’s talking wheel chair discussing aliens while he laid there like a slug in an ugly ass sweater and corduroys. I immediately called Clinton Jortis because I don’t have the professional courtesy time to research my own news. What I was told pissed me off. It seems that Mr. Smartypants Stephen Hawking declares that his mathematical mind tells him that it is a probability that other life forms exist. He goes on to describe some advanced race of super intelligent pissed off... 

date1 May
comments5 Replies
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